FIC: Circle's End, Archer/Reed, 9/16

[cloudy_fic]

Title: Circle's End, Part Nine
Author: CloudyJenn
Fandom: Enterprise
Pairings: Archer/Reed, T'Pol/Tucker
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Paramount. I am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Beta: tookish_girl. Thanks!
Warnings: Still not deathfic.
Summary: Ten years after an explosion on an alien planet, Jon and Malcolm deal with two very different realities.
Author's Notes: This is known as the "Nap Chapter".



Jonathan closed the door after their friends and turned back to see Malcolm laying on the edge of the bed, his feet still planted on the floor.

"Why don't you take a nap?" he suggested, walking towards the computer. "I'll make some calls to Matein and the Starfleet doctor we brought."

Malcolm sat up on his elbows, his eyebrows tense, a hesitant expression on his face, stopping Jonathan short of the computer chair. "What is it?"

The emotions they had both been experiencing for the last few hours had clearly caught up with Malcolm. He seemed almost faint with exhaustion, small trembles unfolding up his body. Seeing Trip and T'Pol, the surprising nature of the reunion adding yet another layer of overwhelming happiness and confusion to their already full hearts, was more than tiring. He could still hear Trip's words echoing in his ear.

God, Jonny, I can’t believe it! I’m so happy, I love you, man.

Jonathan could only imagine how Malcolm must be feeling, expecting only to deal with Jon and now having to deal with two others who were just as overwhelmed at seeing him again.

"I was hoping...Would you lie down with me?"

The request went straight to Jonathan's heart. He couldn't imagine denying Malcolm anything ever again, especially not when it involved holding him close. "Of course."

Toeing off his shoes, Jonathan walked to the bed and slowly lowered himself onto it. Malcolm climbed up the bed and just as slowly, almost cautiously, as if he weren't sure of himself, lay down beside him, snaking an arm over his stomach. Jonathan's breathing hitched, though he tried very hard not to overreact, not wanting to make Malcolm nervous. He slid his hand under Malcolm's side and gently pulled him close. The unspoken request greatly affected Malcolm. His body relaxed and he draped himself over Jonathan's side, insinuating one leg between both of Jonathan's.

It was what Jonathan had been dreaming of for years.

With effort, Jonathan managed to limit his trembling as he wrapped his arms firmly around Malcolm's body, holding him close. A brief sense of disbelief, a surreal feeling shot through Jonathan's chest, but he pushed it away. In no way did he want anything to ruin this moment, this first moment of holding Malcolm again.

"I love you," Jonathan murmured into Malcolm's hair. He brushed a kiss on Malcolm's forehead and felt the other man shiver in response.

"I love you," he answered quietly, almost sleepily. It brought a smile to Jonathan's face, to hear Malcolm sounding so relaxed. He settled into the pillows and let one hand wander up and down the curve of his lover's back. The moment was peaceful, sweet in its simplicity. Malcolm's breathing evened out and Jonathan assumed he'd fallen asleep until he felt the other man take a deep breath.

"Jon?"

"Yes?"

"How old am I?"

Jonathan chuckled. It wasn't often that a grown person had to ask that question. "You turned 41 last month. September 2nd."

"Ah. I had thought I was about 40." A pause. "How old are you?"

That question wasn't so funny. Jon sighed. "I'll be 55 on March 22nd."

Despite his bleak tone, Malcolm laughed and looked up at him. "You cradle robber!"

"Hey now," Jonathan said. "You said you always liked that I was older than you," he defended himself with a smile. It didn't matter that he still couldn't believe he was nearly halfway through his fifties if Malcolm was feeling comfortable enough to tease him. "Something about sexy older men, you said."

Malcolm grinned before laying his head back on Jonathan's chest and snuggling closer to him. "I believe it. It's an accurate description now that I think about it."

Well then. Hearing Malcolm say that made Jonathan remember how much he'd missed having someone think he was sexy and desirable. His emotional bond with Malcolm had been the hardest to lose, but there was no denying that other things mattered too, things like having a regular sexual partner. Someone whose compliments could make you blush as Jonathan now did.

"I'll have to remember you think so when I'm despairing about getting old."

"You're still as gorgeous as the image I always had in my head," Malcolm stated matter of factly. Jonathan just hugged him closer, not sure how to answer such a wonderful comment. The truth was that Malcolm was as beautiful as he'd ever been. There were differences, of course. Age hadn't let his lover off the hook, bringing him some gray hair and fine lines on his face. His body had a bulkiness Jonathan didn't remember, probably from being forced to turn to manual labor for income. That would explain the weather beaten quality his skin now possessed, something that was always impossible on the confines of a starship.

But for all the differences, he was still Malcolm. Still able to take Jonathan's breath away. Still the most attractive person Jonathan had ever met.

"Thank you," he finally said quietly. A soft kiss brushed along his neck.

Silence once again descended on them. The repetitive stroking motion pulled Jonathan towards sleep. He gave into its call, more than willing to share a nap with Malcolm, but just before he dropped off, he heard Malcolm's sleepy voice again.

"How did we fall in love?"

A short review of their relationship played in Jonathan's mind. "Oh. Well." He opened his mouth to speak again, and then stopped. An accurate description of their relationship would likely take hours. "I don't know if you'll be able to stay awake for that whole story," he warned.

"Hmmm...well, just tell me about when we first told each other how we felt." His voice sounded wistful. "I've imagined it over and over."

The thought that Malcolm couldn't remember such a precious memory hurt Jonathan. He didn't blame Malcolm, of course, but it was still painful. It made him determined to tell the story right, so that Malcolm could share in it as much as possible.

"Ok." With a deep breath, Jonathan plunged into the story. "It happened over dinner. I'd invited you to eat with me in my personal mess. It was...I was the Captain of the ship you served on, Enterprise."

His beloved ship. Jonathan shut his eye and he saw it again, bright and inviting against the emptiness of space. Sometimes, Jonathan missed it so much, he could taste it.

"Enterprise?" Malcolm asked, amused. "That explains that then." His laughter raised goose bumps on Jonathan's skin. "I named my horse Enterprise."

For some reason, that made Jonathan feel good, almost proud. "You didn't forget her."

"No, I guess not. What was my job on the ship?"

"Security and tactics. You were my armory officer."

Jonathan could feel Malcolm smiling against his chest. "That makes sense too then," he said softly. "It sounds like a fun job."

"You certainly seemed to revel in it," Jonathan assured him. "To an almost frightening point, actually."

This time, they both laughed. It was amazing, more than amazing, almost indescribably wonderful to be laughing with him.

"Senara won't be surprised," Malcolm said. "She's always going on about how I work too hard."

"I'm glad someone was there to remind you of that." Jonathan kissed the top of his head. "You always put 100% of yourself into your job. And you were the absolute best at it. It was the reason I hired you in the first place."

"Not my good looks?"

Jonathan snorted. "That wasn't my normal hiring policy, no. I just got lucky on that front." Actually, Jonathan hadn't called his pull towards Malcolm attraction for many years, but he thought that was a conversation for another day.

"Anyway," he continued. "We were in my mess."

"Yes," Malcolm said, letting Jonathan know his attention was firmly back on the memory.

"I'd invited Trip and T'Pol to come too, but both of them had work things come up at the last minute and couldn't come, so it was just the two of us. We'd only recently gotten to the point where we ate together alone or did things like watch movies and play basketball together alone. For a long time, and for reasons I can go into later, you always tried to keep yourself from getting too far into a personal relationship with me. But things had changed a lot in the year before we got together. We..." And this part was hard to recount, hard for Jonathan to remember still. "You'd seen parts of me I didn't even know existed. We were at war and I had to do things..."

Malcolm's hand settled over his chest, warm and reassuring. It helped Jonathan push aside the pain at remembering that terrible time in his life and he was able to continue.

"I became someone I didn't even recognize. Someone I'm sure you didn't recognize, but you never...you were always there, you know? You were always by my side." His voice was quiet with awe. He still couldn't believe he hadn't managed to drive Malcolm away then. "It was one of the reasons I fell in love with you."

Jonathan had come to rely on Malcolm, on his quiet strength and he hadn't realized how much until their relationship had been tested when Malcolm had been forced to lie on behalf of Harris and his mysterious organization. Jonathan knew his reaction wasn't that of a Captain disappointed in a subordinate. It had been utterly personal and it had cut deeply, making him feel as if his world had turned upside down. That incident stood out in Jonathan's mind as one that had led him down the path to admitting to himself how important Malcolm had become to him. It had taken awhile for them to heal from that, but they had, partly because Jonathan had started pursuing Malcolm's company almost relentlessly. Subconsciously, he'd realized that he was going to lose Malcolm if he didn't go after him. It wasn't until after the meal he was telling Malcolm about that he'd understood what he'd been doing.

"We were becoming very comfortable with each other, more than we ever had been," he said. "For the first years of the mission we were friendly, but there was always a line between us of Captain and subordinate. And then the war happened and there was this intense period of time where all bets were off. We, well, really the whole crew, went through this immense thing together and came out on the other side bonded together because of it. No one else could really know how it was out there and we all knew that. So, you and I had skipped over true friendship and gone straight on some kind of..." He trailed off. It was hard to find the words to accurately describe it.

"Soul journey?" Malcolm said quietly. Jonathan turned the phrase over and over in his mind.

"Yeah, something like that." Whatever the word, it was truly life-changing.

Jonathan slid down further on the bed, resting his head more fully on the pillow as he continued, realizing that he was giving Malcolm a shortened version of their whole tale anyway. But it didn't matter because it was important for him to know this.

"We had to come back around to friendship and it was sort of strange because there was already this intense connection. Maybe that was why it was easier for you then, to accept my invitations to dinner and to spend time in my quarters. Whatever the reason, this dinner I'm talking about was just one of many really. It shouldn't have been significant, but it was. We were just sitting and talking about our days, nothing special. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I know my day hadn't been all that exciting, so it was mostly you talking."

Jonathan had assumed when their romantic relationship started that Malcolm was in need of a lot of physical contact, having obviously not grown up with a lot of it at home. And that was certainly true. But the more overwhelming need was for someone to listen to him, to really listen to him and not just the important stuff. He needed someone to ask him how his day was and to really care about the answer. It was something Jonathan had provided without thought.

"You'd had, well, it wasn't quite a fight. More of a heated discussion with one of your own subordinates, a woman named Carol Upton. She was relatively new on Enterprise. She'd come on after the war and the two of you just couldn't get along at all. Everything she did drove you nuts and vice versa. So, you were sitting across from me, positively bitching about this woman and it just struck me." His voice changed, the amazement he'd felt then softening his tone. "You weren't telling me this because there was a potential staffing problem the Captain would have to know about. And you weren't holding back either. You were really letting her have it. And I realized, you weren't even thinking about me as a Captain. Something was bothering you and you just wanted to vent about it. Like to a friend." He smiled. "Or a partner. Like when you come home at the end of a very long day and just want to talk about what happened."

It still very much amused Jonathan that he'd finally had his revelation about Malcolm's importance in his life while listening to the other man complaining.

"Did you tell me that?" Malcolm asked looking up, his eyes surprisingly damp. Another reminder of what they'd done without for so many years. Both were incredibly lucky to have had Senara, Trip and T'Pol, but it was very different from having that one person who placed your importance above all others. Looking into Malcolm's eyes, Jonathan felt the same way he had then, like he'd found exactly what he'd been looking for after years spent alone.

"Not exactly like that," he murmured past the lump in his throat. "When you finished talking, I reached over to take your hand."

Malcolm's eyes fell shut, as if he were letting Jonathan's words pour over him and create the memory for him from nothing.

"You looked so surprised. But you didn't pull away, not even a little. Your eyes were..." Jonathan stopped for a minute, swallowing back the emotions he was both reliving and experiencing for the first time. "There was so much hope in your eyes and I knew instantly you felt exactly how I did. And I wasn't sure what to say at first. There was too much to say. It was overwhelming...and wonderful. Everything I'd been waiting for." Everything I've been missing for ten years. "But I had to say something, so I pulled myself together and I said, 'Today is the best day of my life-"

"Because you're here," Malcolm finished suddenly, his eyes flying open. "Oh god, Jon, I remember it. I can remember you saying that. I...I dreamt it. I just..." His words were getting tangled in his mouth, his happiness in discovering the dream to be reality temporarily diminishing his ability to speak properly. "I didn't...I wasn't sure if it were real."

"It was," Jonathan said thickly, his own delight tangible. "You..." He interrupted himself with a joyful chuckle. "Your face was just like that. Amazed, happy. Just...the most beautiful thing."

"And then you kissed me," Malcolm whispered. "I dreamt that too." His eyes closed again and he smiled, the memory clearly playing out in his mind's eye. "It was so romantic."

Jonathan agreed. In fact, the moment had stood out in his mind as one of the best of his life. More than romantic, more than wonderful. Truly, it was a turning point in his life, a moment that separated Jonathan's life into 'incomplete' and 'complete'.

"Malcolm?"

His lover's eyes opened slowly. Jonathan placed a hand on his cheek, taking a long moment just to look, to see Malcolm's love. It was like time slowed and nothing else mattered, not the lost years, not Aleara, not the Federation. The only thing that mattered was Jonathan and Malcolm, this moment, this love.

"Today is the best day of my life," he said, tears in voice, "because you're here."

Malcolm swallowed hard, nodding, his face tense with the effort of holding his reaction inside. "Jon..."

He kissed him then and Malcolm responded to it eagerly, letting his emotions pour into this physical act. One of his hands threaded into Jonathan's hair, his body sliding over, trying to get closer and by the time he broke it off with a sigh, he was laying fully on top of Jonathan, their legs pleasantly entwined.

"'I love you' isn't enough," he said against Jonathan's neck.

"I know." And that was why it was ok. Because they both knew how impossible it was to really express the way they felt.

Malcolm dug his hands under Jonathan's shoulders to pull them together as close as possible and he sighed. "Thank you." He chuckled lightly. "It was a good story."

"You're welcome," Jonathan replied happily. He wrapped his arms around Malcolm's back and leaned his cheek against the top of Malcolm's head, shifting until he was completely comfortable. "Get some sleep now. I'll be here when you wake up."

"I know," Malcolm said, already sounding halfway asleep. "Everything's wonderful," he murmured.

Jonathan couldn't disagree with that.

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Part Ten