FIC: Circle's End, 2/16
Feb. 11th, 2007 03:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cloudy_ficTitle: Circle's End, Part Two
Author: CloudyJenn
Fandom: Enterprise
Pairings: Archer/Reed, T'Pol/Tucker
Rating: This part is PG-13 for language and sexual talk.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Paramount. I am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
qzee. Thanks!
Warnings: Still not deathfic.
Summary: Ten years after an explosion on an alien planet, Jon and Malcolm deal with two very different realities.
Author's Notes: Um...none for this chapter, I think.
"You wanna beer, Jonny?"
Trip stood at Jonathan's open refrigerater, peering at its contents with approval. Buying more beer was always a must when Trip was over.
"Sure."
"What about you, T'Pol? I know you want a beer or three."
A raised eyebrow was his only response. He chuckled. "Mineral water it is."
He gathered their drinks and brought them to the table littered with the empty dishes of their dinner. They drank in companiable silence for a short while, each lost in their own thoughts. No one had spoken of Malcolm yet, which was typical. Dinner had been spent catching up with news and settling in before the inevitable storytelling, started every year by Trip. Jonathan didn't mind a bit. He was looking forward to hearing them all over again.
A soft chuckling made Jonathan look up. Trip was twisting his beer bottle in circles by the neck, a look of memory on his face. "What are you laughing about?"
"I was just thinking about when I found out about you and Malcolm," he said, shaking his hand and covering his eyes with one hand. "Or rather still trying to forget it."
Jonathan bit his bottom lip, but couldn't stop the grin that came with the memory. "Yeah, that one's on me. Although it didn't take nearly as much as I thought it would to convince him to..." he trailed off, trying to frame his words delicately.
"Engage in sexual activity while on duty?" T'Pol provided helpfully. Trip snorted around a mouthful of beer and almost started choking. Jonathan slapped him on the back a few times, laughing at T'Pol's ability to surprise her husband after all these years.
"Exactly, thanks," he said. "Needless to say, it was kind of hard to get him to do that again for a very long time. I can still hear him. Damnit, Jon, I told you that would happen!"
Luckily, Trip wasn't drinking when he jerked back in surprise this time. "You mean...you kept...damn, that was what I heard that one time." He wiped a droplet of beer from his chin. "Why was it always me that stumbled across you two?"
"I do not believe it was only you, Trip," T'Pol commented lightly. Both men gaped at her.
"T'Pol..." Jonathan began, unsure of how to ask the question. She cocked her head and he thought he saw just the barest hint of amusement in her dark brown eyes.
"You never were a very discrete man, Jonathan," she said. Trip threw his head back, laughing so hard, he nearly spilled his beer on himself. A surprising blush crept up Jonathan's neck. He wouldn't have thought he could still be embarrassed about something like that after all these years.
"Jesus, I hope we didn't have an audience every single time," he declared, grinning at the memory of how impossible it'd seemed to actually wait till they were off duty. Perhaps it wasn't a completely bad thing that someone had heard them. It made it seem less like just a wonderful dream. He only hoped they hadn't listened in for too long. Some of the things he'd said to Malcolm when they'd made love just weren't things he'd ever want another person to hear.
"I'm impressed, Jon," Trip said. "How did you ever manage to get any work done that year?"
Jonathan smiled and shook his head. "I have no idea."
"You know, I gotta admit, I think finding out that way was pretty much the only way I would have believed it anyway," Trip mused, holding his beer halfway up to his mouth, a thoughtful look on his face. Jonathan's eyebrows crinkled.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you know how Malcolm was. He was a chatty fucker unless it was about something important." He took a drink and Jonathan nodded. It wasn't a completely accurate description of Malcolm, but it was fairly close. It wasn't that Malcolm didn't like talking about personal things; it was just that it took him a very long time to become comfortable with people or ideas. His friendship with Trip was strong enough that he might have told him about his and Jonathan's romance, but it had taken time before Malcolm was comfortable with the idea of being in love to let others know it'd happened.
"You were easy to figure out, once I got my head out of my ass about T'Pol."
T'Pol gave him a look that plainly said what she thought about that particular statement, but didn't comment. Jonathan was tempted to ask him if he'd ever truly gotten his head out of his ass about T'Pol, but he was too curious about the issue Trip was discussing.
"So, you're saying that you wouldn't have believed he loved me?"
"It's not that, necessarily. It's just I don't think I was very good at reading Malcolm. After I found out and thought back over it, it did make sense and obviously I had irrefutable evidence," he teased. "But if y'all had just told me straight out, I think my first thought would have been that it was a joke." He shook his head, looking geniunely puzzled. "I missed when it was that you learned to read him so well."
One corner of Jonathan's mouth turned up as he thought back to the entirety of his relationship with Malcolm. "It's not like it happened overnight, Trip. You know I obsessed about him long before I ever considered him as a romantic partner."
Trip snorted. "Hell yeah."
"I myself noticed early on that you seemed particularly frustrated by your interactions with him," T'Pol observed. That was one way of putting it. Another would be to say that Malcolm's reticence drove Jonathan to distraction and he hadn't even known why.
"Well, in my efforts to remove the stick from his ass, I learned a lot about him and how to read his body language. It was slow going, but that was the only way I could have won his trust. The development of our relationship was so slow, I was surprised myself when I realized I'd fallen in love with him." The room fell away as Jonathan relived the memory of the day he'd told Malcolm his feelings. They'd been having dinner in his private mess, a dinner that Trip and T'Pol were supposed to be present for, but which neither of them had been able to attend. Sitting there with Malcolm, talking about their day and feeling so comfortable with each other had jumpstarted the revelation. It had felt like home to him. And he couldn't stop himself from telling Malcolm that.
"I guess it felt like I knew things about him, could read things in his eyes and I just needed him to be willing to say them out loud to me." He sighed, remembering how he'd analyzed every lost opportunity to talk to Malcolm for a few years after his death. Those times were long since gone, but Jonathan wouldn't soon forget the paralyzing regret he'd felt. "Anyway, once I told him how I felt, it was like opening the floodgates. Once he knew for sure he was safe with me..." Jonathan shook his head and smiled. "He was a chatty fucker."
Trip laughed and T'Pol cocked an eyebrow in such a way that let Jonathan know she too was amused.
"I guess I didn't miss it then," Trip mused once his laughter died down. "Just wasn't part of the process." He took a swig from his bottle. "Either way, I'm glad it happened."
"Me too." Jonathan took a drink, reflecting that he'd finally gotten to the point in his life where he didn't hate himself for that brief period of time after Malcolm's death when he'd regretted they had become involved. The void Malcolm'd left had just been too devastating. Regret had been part of stage of grief when Jonathan had been so angry with Malcolm for dying. It'd been hard, once he'd gotten past that, to live with the way he'd felt. That too had eventually faded, once he'd been able to better understand that it was normal to be angry.
Jonathan felt sure that Malcolm would be proud of him, were he able to see how far he'd gotten in allowing himself to be happy again. The thought suddenly made him crave stories about his lover, good stories and happy memories.
"Alright, Trip, I know you're dying to tell stories, so get to it," Jonathan said, a fond smile on his face. Trip perked up, grabbing his beer and pointing it in Jonathan's direction.
"Oh my gawd, do you remember that first movie night you guys went to together?"
Laughter, joking and storytelling dominated the next few hours. Trip, being the loudest and most colorful of the group, took the lead, whipping out tale after tale of the "adventures" he and Malcolm had had. Jonathan added his perspective now and again and after a bit, even T'Pol came up with a few stories of her own. Jonathan knew he would have told more, but the stories that kept coming to mind weren't really for polite company. For example, he had to stop himself from chuckling when he remembered the first time Malcolm had gone down on him. The sensations had been so overwhelmingly exquisite that he hadn't been able to stop himself from groaning and cursing quite loudly, which had scared Porthos so badly, he'd jumped up from his bed and started barking hysterically at Malcolm. Not exactly the most romantic of atmospheres, but quite amusing in retrospect.
"Huh."
Jonathan looked up from the refrigerator, where he'd been fetching new drinks. "What?"
"I just checked the time. It's later than I thought. I gotta call the sitter. Can I use your comm?"
Before Jonathan could answer, T'Pol spoke. "I would have informed you if the time had passed to call Kaitlin." Jonathan hid a smile. T'Pol and Trip's relationship was like a skewed version of the old fashioned bickering couple and he found it very amusing at times.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just didn't realize the time." He stood from his chair and leaned over to brush a kiss along T'Pol's forehead. "Be back in a minute."
They'd come a long way, Jonathan thought to himself. It'd taken them a long time to acknowledge to each other what they meant to one another and even longer to be comfortable with it in front of others. Jonathan knew that T'Pol still wasn't comfortable with affectionate displays in front of anyone but their closest friends. He was happy they felt that way with him.
"How are you, Jonathan?" T'Pol suddenly asked him. He glanced up at her to see that she was looking at him closely. This was another thing T'Pol had picked up from her human companions; friendly concern.
"I'm good. Why do you ask?"
She cocked her head slightly, apparently pondering his question.
"Earlier this evening, when preparing to come here, Trip expressed some concerns for your well-being, concerns that I know you and he have discussed in the past. I have always felt that it was not my place to discuss them with you, but I must admit to experiencing a similar concern." She paused, her thoughtful look deepening. "You know better than myself what is required as a human to be happy, but I cannot and would not deny the immense...gratification I recieve from my relationship with Trip. It..." She paused yet again and shifted just enough to tell Jonathan she was beginning to feel ever so slightly uncomfortable. "It saddens me that you do not experience the same, especially since I have learned how important it is for humans."
For Vulcans too, Jonathan thought, but did not say it. He knew how much T'Pol disliked being reminded of the fact that Vulcans were more similar to humans than they realized, though he thought that dislike had lessened greatly over the years.
"Well...thank you." Strange as it was, he didn't mind hearing this from T'Pol, even though he more than likely would have felt frustrated if Trip had brought it up again. "I can't honestly say I don't miss having a relationship. You know I tried to go out some over the years."
She nodded, having already been privy to how well those dates had gone, most of the relationships, except one, ending after the very first date. Jonathan had enjoyed the company, but for some reason, couldn't help feeling like it was useless. He hated settling for second best, always had.
"I'm fine. Really. Trip has a hard time imagining it because he's in a relationship and wants everyone to be as happy as he is. I'm just not...I don't know, T'Pol, it just didn't feel right. I don't want to force it and I always end up feeling guilty for not being completely with whoever it was. They don't deserve someone who was still in love with someone else, even if they are dead." Saying those word were surprisingly painful just then and Jonathan had to stop speaking for a moment to gather himself. T'Pol apparently sensed his difficulty because she simply nodded and looked away.
"Sorry," Jonathan finally said a moment later. T'Pol turned back to him and smiled very slightly.
"It's fine. You're right about Trip. He can't help, but want his friends to be as contented as himself. But I also know he wishes to respect your feelings, which is why he never would have brought this up again tonight. I apologize if I intruded, but I found that once he mentioned it, I could not help inquiring."
"You didn't," Jonathan assured her, feeling deep affection for his friends, that he had wonderful people that watched out for him.
"Hey, Jonny?" Trip suddenly appeared from inside the living room. "You got a message from Samuels when I was talking to Kait. I didn't read it, but you know, wanted to let you know. It seems kind of late." He sat down again and grinned to T'Pol. "She said Simon was fit to be tied that you weren't there to read to him."
Jonathan chuckled, even as he felt an inexplicable stab of unease that Samuels had contacted him so late. Simon, Trip and T'Pol's adopted five year old son, was entirely precocious, following in his father's footsteps in personality as well as in the fact that he was utterly wrapped around T'Pol's little finger.
"He must learn that his mother will not always be there," T'Pol said reasonably, though Jonathan did catch the flash of apprehension on her face. Trip just shook his head and took her hand.
"Yeah, yeah. Next thing you'll be telling me you weren't thinking about the same thing the moment you realized it was his bedtime."
Jonathan lifted himself from his chair and walked towards the living room, leaving them to their discussion, his mind already on what the message might possibly say. The computer was still on, the message blinking innocently in the corner. He sat and accessed the file, quickly skimming its contents. A second later, his stomach dropped and he felt like he might be sick. Was this for real? On tonight of all nights...
"Goddamn it," he muttered. He read it again, over and over, his chest filling with a sense of dread as a familiar pain swept over him, stronger than he'd felt it for quite sometime. It must have been a long while that he sat there, staring at the computer screen because eventually, he heard Trip call from the kitchen.
"Jonny? You ok?"
Jonathan flinched and reluctantly stood to walk back into the kitchen. Trip and T'Pol sat turned towards him, the same look of concern in both their eyes.
"What is it, Jonathan?" T'Pol asked gently.
"Samuels...he said, wanted to tell me about a meeting he just heard about...Another planet asking for membership talks with the Federation. They're going to need someone to go out there."
Confusion settled on Trip's face, which made sense. Jonathan had helped broker plenty of deals for planets to join the Federation, on many different worlds.
"So?" Suspiscion grew in his eyes. "Wait, what planet?"
Jonathan returned to his chair, sitting heavily and sighing. "Aleara."
Shocked silence met the word. Aleara. Jonathan hadn't been there in ten years, hadn't set foot on the planet where he'd lost Malcolm. He hated it, hated it irrationally, knowing that the people who ran the planet most likely were the ones asking for membership and had nothing to do with the explosion. But he still hated it and he knew, he just knew that Samuels wanted him to be the one to go because he was the only one who had already been there before and knew more about it than anyone else on the membership committee. He couldn't think of any other reason that Samuels would warn him ahead of time, except to get him used to the idea so he could ask him.
"Damn," Trip muttered. T'Pol stared at the table, her own grief at Malcolm's death coming to the surface in surprising clarity for just a moment.
"Yeah," Jonathan agreed. "He's going to ask me to go, I just know it."
"You don't have to," Trip said heatedly. "It's not fair to ask you to go."
Jonathan sighed. "No, it's not fair for me not to go." He didn't want to say it, but he didn't want to shrink away from his duties even more. He didn't want to let his emotions to hinder the Federation's work. "I know more about it than anyone else. Obviously." The endless days they'd spent on Aleara after the explosion testified to that.
Trip laid a hand on his shoulder, his expression suddenly quite serious. "If you do go, I'm coming. T'Pol, too," he said, volunteering his wife. She didn't object though and in fact, nodded in agreement. "I can get out of work whenever."
"Yes, Jonathan and so can I. You should not go alone."
Jonathan's heart suddenly filled with deep gratitude, helping to push away the negative feelings trying to overtake his mind. He took a deep breath and nodded to them, thinking over the situation for a very long time.
"Thank you," He finally answered and pinched the bridge of his nose. "If they ask...I'll go."
***************************************
Part Three
Author: CloudyJenn
Fandom: Enterprise
Pairings: Archer/Reed, T'Pol/Tucker
Rating: This part is PG-13 for language and sexual talk.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Paramount. I am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Beta:
qzee. Thanks!Warnings: Still not deathfic.
Summary: Ten years after an explosion on an alien planet, Jon and Malcolm deal with two very different realities.
Author's Notes: Um...none for this chapter, I think.
"You wanna beer, Jonny?"
Trip stood at Jonathan's open refrigerater, peering at its contents with approval. Buying more beer was always a must when Trip was over.
"Sure."
"What about you, T'Pol? I know you want a beer or three."
A raised eyebrow was his only response. He chuckled. "Mineral water it is."
He gathered their drinks and brought them to the table littered with the empty dishes of their dinner. They drank in companiable silence for a short while, each lost in their own thoughts. No one had spoken of Malcolm yet, which was typical. Dinner had been spent catching up with news and settling in before the inevitable storytelling, started every year by Trip. Jonathan didn't mind a bit. He was looking forward to hearing them all over again.
A soft chuckling made Jonathan look up. Trip was twisting his beer bottle in circles by the neck, a look of memory on his face. "What are you laughing about?"
"I was just thinking about when I found out about you and Malcolm," he said, shaking his hand and covering his eyes with one hand. "Or rather still trying to forget it."
Jonathan bit his bottom lip, but couldn't stop the grin that came with the memory. "Yeah, that one's on me. Although it didn't take nearly as much as I thought it would to convince him to..." he trailed off, trying to frame his words delicately.
"Engage in sexual activity while on duty?" T'Pol provided helpfully. Trip snorted around a mouthful of beer and almost started choking. Jonathan slapped him on the back a few times, laughing at T'Pol's ability to surprise her husband after all these years.
"Exactly, thanks," he said. "Needless to say, it was kind of hard to get him to do that again for a very long time. I can still hear him. Damnit, Jon, I told you that would happen!"
Luckily, Trip wasn't drinking when he jerked back in surprise this time. "You mean...you kept...damn, that was what I heard that one time." He wiped a droplet of beer from his chin. "Why was it always me that stumbled across you two?"
"I do not believe it was only you, Trip," T'Pol commented lightly. Both men gaped at her.
"T'Pol..." Jonathan began, unsure of how to ask the question. She cocked her head and he thought he saw just the barest hint of amusement in her dark brown eyes.
"You never were a very discrete man, Jonathan," she said. Trip threw his head back, laughing so hard, he nearly spilled his beer on himself. A surprising blush crept up Jonathan's neck. He wouldn't have thought he could still be embarrassed about something like that after all these years.
"Jesus, I hope we didn't have an audience every single time," he declared, grinning at the memory of how impossible it'd seemed to actually wait till they were off duty. Perhaps it wasn't a completely bad thing that someone had heard them. It made it seem less like just a wonderful dream. He only hoped they hadn't listened in for too long. Some of the things he'd said to Malcolm when they'd made love just weren't things he'd ever want another person to hear.
"I'm impressed, Jon," Trip said. "How did you ever manage to get any work done that year?"
Jonathan smiled and shook his head. "I have no idea."
"You know, I gotta admit, I think finding out that way was pretty much the only way I would have believed it anyway," Trip mused, holding his beer halfway up to his mouth, a thoughtful look on his face. Jonathan's eyebrows crinkled.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you know how Malcolm was. He was a chatty fucker unless it was about something important." He took a drink and Jonathan nodded. It wasn't a completely accurate description of Malcolm, but it was fairly close. It wasn't that Malcolm didn't like talking about personal things; it was just that it took him a very long time to become comfortable with people or ideas. His friendship with Trip was strong enough that he might have told him about his and Jonathan's romance, but it had taken time before Malcolm was comfortable with the idea of being in love to let others know it'd happened.
"You were easy to figure out, once I got my head out of my ass about T'Pol."
T'Pol gave him a look that plainly said what she thought about that particular statement, but didn't comment. Jonathan was tempted to ask him if he'd ever truly gotten his head out of his ass about T'Pol, but he was too curious about the issue Trip was discussing.
"So, you're saying that you wouldn't have believed he loved me?"
"It's not that, necessarily. It's just I don't think I was very good at reading Malcolm. After I found out and thought back over it, it did make sense and obviously I had irrefutable evidence," he teased. "But if y'all had just told me straight out, I think my first thought would have been that it was a joke." He shook his head, looking geniunely puzzled. "I missed when it was that you learned to read him so well."
One corner of Jonathan's mouth turned up as he thought back to the entirety of his relationship with Malcolm. "It's not like it happened overnight, Trip. You know I obsessed about him long before I ever considered him as a romantic partner."
Trip snorted. "Hell yeah."
"I myself noticed early on that you seemed particularly frustrated by your interactions with him," T'Pol observed. That was one way of putting it. Another would be to say that Malcolm's reticence drove Jonathan to distraction and he hadn't even known why.
"Well, in my efforts to remove the stick from his ass, I learned a lot about him and how to read his body language. It was slow going, but that was the only way I could have won his trust. The development of our relationship was so slow, I was surprised myself when I realized I'd fallen in love with him." The room fell away as Jonathan relived the memory of the day he'd told Malcolm his feelings. They'd been having dinner in his private mess, a dinner that Trip and T'Pol were supposed to be present for, but which neither of them had been able to attend. Sitting there with Malcolm, talking about their day and feeling so comfortable with each other had jumpstarted the revelation. It had felt like home to him. And he couldn't stop himself from telling Malcolm that.
"I guess it felt like I knew things about him, could read things in his eyes and I just needed him to be willing to say them out loud to me." He sighed, remembering how he'd analyzed every lost opportunity to talk to Malcolm for a few years after his death. Those times were long since gone, but Jonathan wouldn't soon forget the paralyzing regret he'd felt. "Anyway, once I told him how I felt, it was like opening the floodgates. Once he knew for sure he was safe with me..." Jonathan shook his head and smiled. "He was a chatty fucker."
Trip laughed and T'Pol cocked an eyebrow in such a way that let Jonathan know she too was amused.
"I guess I didn't miss it then," Trip mused once his laughter died down. "Just wasn't part of the process." He took a swig from his bottle. "Either way, I'm glad it happened."
"Me too." Jonathan took a drink, reflecting that he'd finally gotten to the point in his life where he didn't hate himself for that brief period of time after Malcolm's death when he'd regretted they had become involved. The void Malcolm'd left had just been too devastating. Regret had been part of stage of grief when Jonathan had been so angry with Malcolm for dying. It'd been hard, once he'd gotten past that, to live with the way he'd felt. That too had eventually faded, once he'd been able to better understand that it was normal to be angry.
Jonathan felt sure that Malcolm would be proud of him, were he able to see how far he'd gotten in allowing himself to be happy again. The thought suddenly made him crave stories about his lover, good stories and happy memories.
"Alright, Trip, I know you're dying to tell stories, so get to it," Jonathan said, a fond smile on his face. Trip perked up, grabbing his beer and pointing it in Jonathan's direction.
"Oh my gawd, do you remember that first movie night you guys went to together?"
Laughter, joking and storytelling dominated the next few hours. Trip, being the loudest and most colorful of the group, took the lead, whipping out tale after tale of the "adventures" he and Malcolm had had. Jonathan added his perspective now and again and after a bit, even T'Pol came up with a few stories of her own. Jonathan knew he would have told more, but the stories that kept coming to mind weren't really for polite company. For example, he had to stop himself from chuckling when he remembered the first time Malcolm had gone down on him. The sensations had been so overwhelmingly exquisite that he hadn't been able to stop himself from groaning and cursing quite loudly, which had scared Porthos so badly, he'd jumped up from his bed and started barking hysterically at Malcolm. Not exactly the most romantic of atmospheres, but quite amusing in retrospect.
"Huh."
Jonathan looked up from the refrigerator, where he'd been fetching new drinks. "What?"
"I just checked the time. It's later than I thought. I gotta call the sitter. Can I use your comm?"
Before Jonathan could answer, T'Pol spoke. "I would have informed you if the time had passed to call Kaitlin." Jonathan hid a smile. T'Pol and Trip's relationship was like a skewed version of the old fashioned bickering couple and he found it very amusing at times.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just didn't realize the time." He stood from his chair and leaned over to brush a kiss along T'Pol's forehead. "Be back in a minute."
They'd come a long way, Jonathan thought to himself. It'd taken them a long time to acknowledge to each other what they meant to one another and even longer to be comfortable with it in front of others. Jonathan knew that T'Pol still wasn't comfortable with affectionate displays in front of anyone but their closest friends. He was happy they felt that way with him.
"How are you, Jonathan?" T'Pol suddenly asked him. He glanced up at her to see that she was looking at him closely. This was another thing T'Pol had picked up from her human companions; friendly concern.
"I'm good. Why do you ask?"
She cocked her head slightly, apparently pondering his question.
"Earlier this evening, when preparing to come here, Trip expressed some concerns for your well-being, concerns that I know you and he have discussed in the past. I have always felt that it was not my place to discuss them with you, but I must admit to experiencing a similar concern." She paused, her thoughtful look deepening. "You know better than myself what is required as a human to be happy, but I cannot and would not deny the immense...gratification I recieve from my relationship with Trip. It..." She paused yet again and shifted just enough to tell Jonathan she was beginning to feel ever so slightly uncomfortable. "It saddens me that you do not experience the same, especially since I have learned how important it is for humans."
For Vulcans too, Jonathan thought, but did not say it. He knew how much T'Pol disliked being reminded of the fact that Vulcans were more similar to humans than they realized, though he thought that dislike had lessened greatly over the years.
"Well...thank you." Strange as it was, he didn't mind hearing this from T'Pol, even though he more than likely would have felt frustrated if Trip had brought it up again. "I can't honestly say I don't miss having a relationship. You know I tried to go out some over the years."
She nodded, having already been privy to how well those dates had gone, most of the relationships, except one, ending after the very first date. Jonathan had enjoyed the company, but for some reason, couldn't help feeling like it was useless. He hated settling for second best, always had.
"I'm fine. Really. Trip has a hard time imagining it because he's in a relationship and wants everyone to be as happy as he is. I'm just not...I don't know, T'Pol, it just didn't feel right. I don't want to force it and I always end up feeling guilty for not being completely with whoever it was. They don't deserve someone who was still in love with someone else, even if they are dead." Saying those word were surprisingly painful just then and Jonathan had to stop speaking for a moment to gather himself. T'Pol apparently sensed his difficulty because she simply nodded and looked away.
"Sorry," Jonathan finally said a moment later. T'Pol turned back to him and smiled very slightly.
"It's fine. You're right about Trip. He can't help, but want his friends to be as contented as himself. But I also know he wishes to respect your feelings, which is why he never would have brought this up again tonight. I apologize if I intruded, but I found that once he mentioned it, I could not help inquiring."
"You didn't," Jonathan assured her, feeling deep affection for his friends, that he had wonderful people that watched out for him.
"Hey, Jonny?" Trip suddenly appeared from inside the living room. "You got a message from Samuels when I was talking to Kait. I didn't read it, but you know, wanted to let you know. It seems kind of late." He sat down again and grinned to T'Pol. "She said Simon was fit to be tied that you weren't there to read to him."
Jonathan chuckled, even as he felt an inexplicable stab of unease that Samuels had contacted him so late. Simon, Trip and T'Pol's adopted five year old son, was entirely precocious, following in his father's footsteps in personality as well as in the fact that he was utterly wrapped around T'Pol's little finger.
"He must learn that his mother will not always be there," T'Pol said reasonably, though Jonathan did catch the flash of apprehension on her face. Trip just shook his head and took her hand.
"Yeah, yeah. Next thing you'll be telling me you weren't thinking about the same thing the moment you realized it was his bedtime."
Jonathan lifted himself from his chair and walked towards the living room, leaving them to their discussion, his mind already on what the message might possibly say. The computer was still on, the message blinking innocently in the corner. He sat and accessed the file, quickly skimming its contents. A second later, his stomach dropped and he felt like he might be sick. Was this for real? On tonight of all nights...
"Goddamn it," he muttered. He read it again, over and over, his chest filling with a sense of dread as a familiar pain swept over him, stronger than he'd felt it for quite sometime. It must have been a long while that he sat there, staring at the computer screen because eventually, he heard Trip call from the kitchen.
"Jonny? You ok?"
Jonathan flinched and reluctantly stood to walk back into the kitchen. Trip and T'Pol sat turned towards him, the same look of concern in both their eyes.
"What is it, Jonathan?" T'Pol asked gently.
"Samuels...he said, wanted to tell me about a meeting he just heard about...Another planet asking for membership talks with the Federation. They're going to need someone to go out there."
Confusion settled on Trip's face, which made sense. Jonathan had helped broker plenty of deals for planets to join the Federation, on many different worlds.
"So?" Suspiscion grew in his eyes. "Wait, what planet?"
Jonathan returned to his chair, sitting heavily and sighing. "Aleara."
Shocked silence met the word. Aleara. Jonathan hadn't been there in ten years, hadn't set foot on the planet where he'd lost Malcolm. He hated it, hated it irrationally, knowing that the people who ran the planet most likely were the ones asking for membership and had nothing to do with the explosion. But he still hated it and he knew, he just knew that Samuels wanted him to be the one to go because he was the only one who had already been there before and knew more about it than anyone else on the membership committee. He couldn't think of any other reason that Samuels would warn him ahead of time, except to get him used to the idea so he could ask him.
"Damn," Trip muttered. T'Pol stared at the table, her own grief at Malcolm's death coming to the surface in surprising clarity for just a moment.
"Yeah," Jonathan agreed. "He's going to ask me to go, I just know it."
"You don't have to," Trip said heatedly. "It's not fair to ask you to go."
Jonathan sighed. "No, it's not fair for me not to go." He didn't want to say it, but he didn't want to shrink away from his duties even more. He didn't want to let his emotions to hinder the Federation's work. "I know more about it than anyone else. Obviously." The endless days they'd spent on Aleara after the explosion testified to that.
Trip laid a hand on his shoulder, his expression suddenly quite serious. "If you do go, I'm coming. T'Pol, too," he said, volunteering his wife. She didn't object though and in fact, nodded in agreement. "I can get out of work whenever."
"Yes, Jonathan and so can I. You should not go alone."
Jonathan's heart suddenly filled with deep gratitude, helping to push away the negative feelings trying to overtake his mind. He took a deep breath and nodded to them, thinking over the situation for a very long time.
"Thank you," He finally answered and pinched the bridge of his nose. "If they ask...I'll go."
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Part Three
